From Lavender with Love

You know sometimes I’m ready to get away. Not just for the moment but long enough to maybe be missed. But how can I go, now I’m in a position where its too late to run. Too late to take anything and then hide. Too late to just get rid of the memory and let go. So what do I do now….tired of everyone being more excited than I am and having to show this false happiness. Starting to regret a decision I made for myself. A decision I figured I wouldn’t have to deal with by myself, but am ready and willing. Just on the defense because I believe more than what anyone else does, but regret even having those feelings to believe that much.

But I will be ok….things will be just fine. Used to having to really do it on my own. Just thought it was over….but apparently its not. Its so easy to let go of my past. No one’s ever had that hold on me. And then I tell myself that I LOVE but then will let it go in same breath cause I can’t deal with the unneeded stress. For my heart can be very big, and I can love very strong. But as a cancer I crawl back into my shell when things just get a little too hard. I LOVE myself and now I have to love someone else. It used to be just me and I told myself I’m way to selfish to give my love to just anyone. 

I don’t think I’ve ever fought so much in my life. No wait I take that back. Once and it didn’t work out and it’ll never be like that again. Everyone has a breaking point, Keri said it best. And I can no longer live a life of stress cause I have someone else to think about. I’m so tired and I don’t wanna get out of bed. But then once out of bed I don’t wanna go back home. And sometimes I wish I could just leave and leave a memory of those that I love.

I’m so lost I’m speechless………

Self conform is to be your true self again, not to conform to the ideas and likings of others.

kiskolee:

“Love is never any better than the lover. Wicked people love wickedly, violent people love violently, weak people love weakly, stupid people love stupidly, but the love of a free man is never safe. There is no gift for the beloved.” - Toni Morrison, The Bluest Eye.

(Source: briannamccarthy)

How golden is silence? Well I’m about to find out. Better yet, I guess you’ll find out. I can’t stand to hold a conversation with someone, just to find out I’m talkin to my frickin self. Like wtf is that about? And the whole talk about multi-taskin, BULLSHIT. How can you multi-task, but you can’t simply listen and sit on your phone at the same time? I’ve managed to be able to do everything all at one time. How hard is it for you to do the same? You talk about change and ohhh a relationship is a compromise. But wtf!!! Come on, and then my outlet during the exact moment is twitter, but I get told ohh keep that shit off twitter. I didn’t say much but that I’m not talkin to yo ass, and maybe a few name callin in between but shit fuck u expect me to do. 

And lets talk about this twitter shit for a sec. So now that I’m in this relationship I’ve managed to just hold off completely from conversations with people that may look inappropriate. But when I look at what your doing, wtf am I doing all of that for? And yes, I did a little bit of twitter stalkin today. I’m sorry I needed to see wtf was so important that you completely didn’t hear a word I fuckin said UNLESS I repeated it. GTFOH I’m sick of repeating myself, like that shit is the most redundant shit ever. Lets all just keep wasting our fuckin breath because my nigga can’t get his ass off twitter for one fuckin sec. Like for real whoever ur taklin to on that bitch don’t do half the shit I fuckin do. Can I get a little fuckin respect? And then you tell me oh you shouldn’t get mad at something like that, even tho you need to change it. Sooo when you do that shit if I just act like that shit didn’t bother me then htf do you know to change it??????

Honestly I really try to make things easy. I try to make things work out cause I value little shit like the relationships I have. But it gets to a point when I feel like those people don’t value the relationship like I do. So wtf am I supposed to do but STFU…don’t get mad when I do it. Just accept it as my peace offering to allow you to keep doin the same ol’ bullshit. Whose gonna be miserable, not I! You want me to stop caring and stop getting mad at shit thats probably gonna take you a lifetime to fix…ok! Watch how much less I give a fuck and watch how many words it’ll take for me to say it.

Silence will be my Gold!

So as I’m coming to a complete week post Bday, I can’t help but to think…wtf am I back home! Sunday morning, after a drunken night at then club, we leave club Cameo and head back to the hotel…Its 4:30am. Let’s see flights at 8:30 and its damn near 5…Do you think we slept at all until we got on the plan?! Yeah right…so as we’re finally getting into the cab and driving off Ocean Dr. I’m actually happy to be coming home. I get to rest up and go back to my loves. But Monday morning, as I sit at work looking at the CPU screen…tryna figure wtf I’m bout to do. I can’t help but think how much I wanted to be back at the BEACH! 

Ohhh Miami, how I’ll miss you!!!